eat_yourwords

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 05:23:37 GMT

WOW, STOP BEING A STUPID ASSHOLE, YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME.

The one thing that makes me happy, finally.

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 01:28:25 GMT

There's something in the way you people smell
Like you've got no soul at all
Fingers crawling with ringworm
Your sneer's a mating call
To lure in others of your breed
Spread that smug and slimy seed
Borrow quotes from the cultures you've crowded like weeds

Is your schedule sufficient tonight, you toad?
Hop another bar until the rooster crows

This song belongs to you and all your crew
This curse will sting the worse as it shall mark you

All Rise
I'd rather spend an hour giving birth
Then see how your eyes are glued
On everyone but the person you're talking to
And trapped between babushkas on a plane in a fraction of how lame
It is to watch you pump the poison through your veins

Is your schedule sufficient tonight, you crow?
"skwak" another song until your heart explodes

This song belongs to you and all your crew
This curse will sting the worse as it shall mark you

You'd probably think this means I give up on you
The saddest part is this is why I come
To watch and pray that I'm mistaken
And pray I'm not the only one
Not going to care about this, I know that this is hopeless
No one notices it
Not losing sleep over this
You people are unredeemable, indescribable, all but evil

You know very well what you are
Don't let 'em write you off
You wear your scars
I've had a few but not that many
But you're the only one who gives me good and plenty

I love that he makes fun of bar hoppers...& at the same time he contradicts himself, its confusing like everything else...
Its weird that it makes me so happy, i feel like a little kid right before the first song, its such a rush...once it starts its like im in a completely different world. Jumping, getting kicked in the head, ect, just amazingness...never thought i would enjoy that but its like a total release, a form of medication...you enter clean, dry and tense, you leave soaked in sweat with a clear head. Purest form of drugs. But now im addicted, and i need some more...gah!

Angry kinda, for no reason, just unleashing hell on my keyboard.

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 05:19:11 GMT

So this last week or so has been strange...My birthday was great, my friends here are so good to me, and my friends from home are also amazing.
Mal, Ange & ira tried their hardest to make the day unique and superb, the succeeded...it was also really great to see my dad, joan and rosie all sitting at a dinner table together, i just think about 3 years ago when they couldn't stand to be in the same area as her, I miss her, I miss our childhood together, I miss our innocence, and I miss our truth. Sometimes I feel like when i talk to her she will never really love me, she just plays along like she actually loves me. I know this isnt really true, but its hard not to feel this way, I just wish I was able to know how people really felt about me. She is not the only person who I sometimes question her true feelings, I feel like other people in my life put on a facade that they consider me a good friend, when in actuality its all bullshit. I wish people would grow some balls and just tell me how they feel. I cant bare to be fucking yanked around like this. I want some truth please...
I feel like one major indicator that i am not of value in her or his eyes, is if they dont ever ask me how i am, and not just to "say" or make yourself "think" you are being a good friend, its when you actually mean it, you actually wonder how my day was, you actually want to know how I am, and you stop for a second from your oh so consuming life, and see how i feel. This is a message for myself too, because so often i forget to ask, I forget to question if you are okay, and when the day comes that you are not okay, and i forget to ask...im sorry...I hope people start caring about me, i feel it is too difficult to listen to your dayum ass stupid problems, when i want to for one second talk about my life. Let me just talk okay? Sometimes, i have important things to say...

Good lord!

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 08:07:48 GMT

I feel like the way one walks in the rain can mean a lot about how they are feeling, or who they are.
-slow: Maybe its that they dont care, or they just feel like why should i walk fast, what do i have to get back for? Why do i want to get back to my room to do nothing...once again, with my loser roomate Angela, no not really i love her, but i feel like sometimes why go back to MY life?
-fast: rushed, no time trying to get in every moment, aka "live it up", caught in the moment, afraid of the unknown, superficial?

Its a weird concept but i thought about it today as i walked back to my room, at the slowest pace possible. I watched this couple holding hands in the rain running, where were they going, and why on earth are they so fucking happy? Will i ever have that? When? Who will it be with? Were they actually happy? Or are they just like everyone else who masks all of their unhappy emotions, and instead just puts on a smile, so people wont ask them why they are upset..? I hope they were happy, i mean really happy. I wonder sometimes if im really happy...I know i have fun, and i love a lot, but then sometimes i think, do these things make other people feel even more happy.? And then i look to the future and i think that maybe things well be more fun, more interesting, more exciting, more love, but I dont know if thats true...It better be, maybe im just in a funk...and when i am sometimes i get like this, i do this whole thing where i only think about the negative, and its rediculous and over dramatic.

Bright eyes "touch"

you are new and near now to someone you used to love
when you were young; when all was gold and you two touched
and felt the flutter underneath your skin. you stood in glowing rooms,
the light dripping from both of you.
and nothing since has felt as radiant or real.

I think that other people do have shitty lives, but i wonder where i fall on the happy meter? Middle, middle low? High? Im not really sure...at this moment its like middle low, because im thinking like addicts, the ill ect, they are prob filling up the low category, so i guess its middle...im not like ah im so unhappy, but im not happy! This is shittay. I think a lot of this stems from envy.

The last two days have been fucked. lets see how the next two go...cant wait to see max, is he my fix? will he always make me feel better, or is he played out...i hope its the first one...well i will find out on the 30th!

Lib entry

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 20:11:05 GMT

Hello people, I am in the lib right now and i should be doing my essay, but i aint...ill write more later, just wanted to see if you liked my picture. I just realized that every gift i give to my brother has been shark related, he likes nature but i guess deep down i love sharks. I think it stems from the fact that people fear them, hate them, try to kill them and they dont give a fuck. Hmm, interesting theme.

ta ta for now...have to write an essay. gah

insanity.

Sun, 13 May 2007 06:21:45 GMT

So I decided a couple of days ago that i needed somewhere to write. Somewhere that i could just talk, and ask those who i love to listen, or in this case read. So lets see...at this point im just confused. There are so many things that are overwhelming me at this point. First off the men in my life, they have all gone haywire, if that is even a saying anymore. Omaha boy, we email all the time, well at least he does. Sometimes i miss a couple days which is totally shitty of me but sometimes i just dont have time, yet i am writing this journal now. I never liked him in a boyfriend manner and i feel as though he liked me in more of a girlfriend/best friend manner. So it was extremely shocking and ego breaking when he told me about his girlfriend. GAH. Not what i needed at the time. Then we have the other one who will never be mentioned more than i always do this routine, I love them, then when i feel like i might have them i push them away, but when they are taken by someone else it kills me. I think thats a fact of life though, You cant always get what you want. It sucks, but it happens. I feel like people are going to be so confused by this because i usually only write when i am in an extreme emotion period. This is one of those extreme confusion phases. Then we have my home lover, oh jesus. I know that there is nothing there, but sometimes you just cant help falling for that person...love what a crap hole. Now on to my family life and the confusion that ensues there. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and everything inbetween. Those that are on my moms side are killing me at this moment in time. I do not understand what the hell they think they are doing by not including us. I am not a person to be fucked with, i think that some people have this image of me that i am a nice person who would never think bad of other people, and for the most part this is true. But when people walk all over me when i need them most, my personality is altered, much like emo spiderman(what the hell was that?), so at this point there are only a few family members on my moms side that i actually would like to have a relationship with, as for the rest of them, i would like to say, "Fuck you." This sounds so harsh, and it might be. But them not standing up for me and my family just as much as my aunts(adults or children?) not inviting us. I think that some people are simply insane and strictly think about themselves, without any regard to the people that they are supposed to love and cherish, especially in times of need. The sad thing is that i feel like most of my moms family does not even know me, at all. Whereas my dads family is amazing, i feel like i can really relate with them, they are great people that care for everyone, they are my role models. I just wish that my mom was here, not to say that i wish Joan, Leah and Zach werent, I just wish i knew her. I hope that there is such a thing as heaven because then i will be able to meet her, even though i know she is with me always because i can feel her presence. Its just so upsetting that I cant have her, everyone always talks about how amazing she was and i wonder what she thinks of me. Everyone always says she would be so proud, but to think that i will never really know, that hurts. Another thing that really bothers me is the fact that i cannot remember many things about her. I can see her when she was sick, but not when she was happy and healthy. I think about how my dad must have felt and that is when i get extremely sad, if there is such a thing as god then why does he take amazing people away from earth where they are needed, that really makes me question religion. Why do some religions say that certain people that i love are wrong, because they are gay. That will always baffle me, its just so ridiculous.
Sometimes i feel like i am a hypocrite, i say one thing but i do the other, or i feel one thing and i act on the on the other. I wonder if people notice? I tell people what i think is the good life to live, but i cant live it myself. When will i be happy? I need to do something that i love, but what do i love, what do i feel passionate about? Holy shit this self conversation that i am having right now is too scary i need to take a break, what a heavy first entry. I am going to Italy on friday, and today is sunday, so that is soon! I must write this essay, ill write again soon...
If you know what is good for you watch the movie "Invisible Children" and make a difference.
"Sharp pain in my soul...I cant stand to be going home, im so mad im so alone" Adam Hood, "Million Miles Away"